83R22789 T
 
  By: Pitts H.R. No. 1563
 
 
 
R E S O L U T I O N
         WHEREAS, Many score ago, Dorothy Nell Studer Pewitt gave
  birth to her first child, a son, one Billy Randell Pewitt, who
  proceeded to exist on RC Cola (including in his baby bottle) and
  never spoke until his second year; who has since not stopped
  talking, even if no one is listening; who has continued the cola
  habit, although upon doctor's orders, has been modified to the
  healthier version of Diet Coke, on the pretext of health and
  longevity when taken with Austin Land & Cattle cheeseburgers and
  fries; and
         WHEREAS, Born April 18, 1953, the ancient Billy Randell
  Pewitt is still alive, perhaps his unconventional diet merits
  consideration; and
         WHEREAS, Despite tightened security measures, Pewitt, who
  never wielded more than a water gun, and was able to earn his
  concealed handgun license, and is still allowed in the Capitol
  proper, has his target, peppered with off-target bullet holes,
  hanging in his garage with a push pin that he inadvertently stabbed
  himself with; and
         WHEREAS, He's still a legend in his own mind, with lodgings
  directly across the street from the Capitol, appears quite hard to
  get rid of; and
         WHEREAS, His lovely trophy wife of 31 years as of yesterday,
  Shannon McCann, continues to manage to plausibly deny any knowledge
  of the details, having determined long ago just how unbecoming an
  orange jumpsuit might be; and
         WHEREAS, Old Man Pewitt and his long-suffering wife have had
  three children in each of their decades together, it seems likely
  the dynasty will persevere; and
         WHEREAS, When not holding court and embellishing his own life
  story, Pewitt enjoys bragging on his own offspring-or tries to get
  them jobs; and
         WHEREAS, His eldest son Will, who served as a congressional
  intern in 2002, and is now a professor of English at several Florida
  universities, has forced meddling Father Pewitt to leverage his
  influence to find Professor Pewitt employment inside the Great
  State of Texas, no doubt in a dubious conspiracy to influence the
  minds of the youth of this great state in bending to the father's
  nefarious schemes; and
         WHEREAS, Middle son Jack, who, when also serving as an
  intern, was asked to run some documents to another office, actually
  did run at break-neck speed through the hallowed halls of the
  Capitol until slowed by peace officers, clearly demonstrating a
  genetic predisposition to his father's headstrong, ham-fisted,
  heavy footsteps, has thankfully more often demonstrated his
  mother's creativity by becoming quite an accomplished artist,
  recently completing a memorial sculpture for Casis Elementary
  School; and
         WHEREAS, His youngest, a daughter, Jill, born in Pewitt's
  advanced old age, is now twelve, teetering on teenhood, is
  constantly having to remind her friends and teachers that Pewitt is
  indeed not her grandfather, though the hardship has only served to
  strengthen the character of this young women who shows dominant
  traits of her Mother's beauty; and
         WHEREAS, Pewitt has become famous, or infamous, for his
  elaborate parties at his home, and said homestead is currently
  under construction, this session will be no different as even more
  guests will be accommodated at his blowout session party next
  month; and
         WHEREAS, Billy Randell Pewitt is now officially old and
  decrepit, he still beats his chest, coughs, takes a draught of Diet
  Coke and proclaims to be in his prime; now, therefore, be it
         RESOLVED, That the House of Representatives of the 83rd Texas
  Legislature hereby commiserate with Billy Randell Pewitt on his
  60th birthday and extend deepest sympathy to those of us who must
  humor him; and, be it further
         RESOLVED, That an official copy of this resolution be
  presented to the Ancient Pewitt to remind him that he really is 60,
  though he really appears at least two score older.